AT WAR….. BE CIRCUMSPECT

I went to a fund raising dinner recently to raise money for victims of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a misnomer by the way, because it is not only domestic. It could be at school, at work, in cyberspace even among friends.

The abuse could be control, physical abuse, emotional abuse and intimidation, isolation, psychological abuse, financial or economic abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse : threats and blame.

Physical and sexual abuse are the most recognised and talked about, however all the others are just as heinous and prevalent. The terrible thing is that many people in these situations don’t even realise that they are being abused.

So take control for example. The guy (it could also be the gal) will always have to approve everything you wear, eat, look like and if you just decide to refuse what they  have told suggested, they stone wall you. This apparently means they don’t talk to you for maybe two to three weeks even though you are in the same house. They completely blank you which is traumatic.

Economic abuse is when one partner has more money or all the money and refuses to share leaving the other person barely living and making them totally dependent on them for every dime they need. They are then made to beg and grovel for just enough to barely live on even though their not having any money of their own is not their fault. Usually this happens to stay at home mums or dads as the case maybe.

The terrible thing about this is that it leads to (in many cases) mental health issues. I was talking to a pediatrician who sees children from abusive environments and homes and says they have statistics to show that these children even fetuses grow up to have be susceptible to tumors, cancers and mental health challenges to mention a few ailments. They also are likely to become perpetrators when they grow up.

Back to the adult victims. They usually develop mental health challenges of one form or the other. For the ones who don’t have mental health challenges can develop auto immune diseases because more and more those ailments are being linked to one form of trauma or the other.

My question at the dinner was, how do you stop people from entering these  abusive relationship traps. I think it is great to rescue victims but feel it is much better to stop people from entering and becoming victims in the first place.

The experts and survivors said there may not be any signs that are easily noticeable. Abuse is anything that makes you uncomfortable, scared, in pain, ill. One of the survivors was telling us how the perpetrator broke a wine glass and stabbed her countless times in the head and even while driving her to the hospital continued punching her. Needless to say this perpetrator was put in jail a few years later for killing a child.

Apparently the way to stop a loved one, daughter or son from becoming victims is to bring them up to be confidence. Let them know how special they are and teach them to give and receive respect.

I am not going to go into how to ensure these same loved ones don’t become perpetrators. Apparently many of the perpetrators themselves were victims once upon a time. This I am sure is a whole thesis. however get help for a loved one who shows tendencies of violent anger. there is the saying that only hurting people hurt others.

Change the way you talk to your children and indeed anyone in your care or who works for you or with you. There is a passage in the Manual that says parents should not discipline their children to the point where they become despondent. You are supposed to train them up in the right way ( this is assuming the parents know what is right themselves). This does not mean the children should be beaten to submission.

This post is really a shout out to people who are victims or perpetrators and don’t even know. Those who are not happy in their situations but the think the circumstances are normal. Please get help.

Before you get into a relationship or marriage please please don’t be giddy be very circumspect. Make a mental note of all actions. You don’t have to accept someone shouting at you. Definitely nobody should be hitting you or punishing you for anything. Even in a work place setting, discipline should be as is laid down in the staff manual and if their is no staff manual, exit the organisation fast.

Be honest with the person and yourself. Communicate early. Find out from other people who may know them. I know someone who was being matched with a man who had physically abused two previous wives. Fortunately she got to ask the man’s cousin who told her in no uncertain terms to run for her life.

The situation has risen to -At War proportions. Mental health challenges are on a rise. Spending on healthcare is on the increase. All this has knock on effects on the economy in terms of days off for illness, rework of assignments because of all kinds of health challenges. Increase in obesity that increases the chances of chronic ailments ….. the list is endless.

If you don’t manage to escape being a victim, then be a survivor and stand and fight or run for your life. Don’t remain helpless and become a possible cadaver.

Finally let us not be quick to judge people. When you don’t know what someone is going through, be more sensitive. You may have a great life and expect all the people around you to be the same way. There maybe a good reason why someone is slow at work especially if they have worked well in the past.

Thanks for reading. Sorry this is very serious so no light hearted digressions.